The Dilemma

“Hi everyone, my first book is out and it’s available at all leading book stores now, do let me know what you think of it. :) Bye!” Ira read the Facebook status message and smiled. She checked her wrist watch it was almost six now. Her friend appeared at her cubicle, “are you coming”, she asked. “Yeah, just a moment, Anu”, Ira replied. “Aah! I see you are checking Facebook, should I tell boss”, asked Anu with a chuckle. “Don’t you wish to live anymore”, Ira asked in reply. They both laughed. She picked up her handbag and they came out of the office.

“Hey, let’s go to the Corner Book Store, I need to pick up a book”, said Ira. “The book that you were reading about on someone’s Facebook status”, asked Anu. “Yes, he is an old friend, just got his first book published”, Ira replied reading the back cover of the book. “Come on don’t lie, his Facebook profile picture didn’t suggest that he was old”, said Anu with a laugh. At the book store Ira she found his book on the new arrivals’ shelf at the entrance. Ira went to the counter, paid for the book and they left.

Ira reached her flat and rang the doorbell. Her mother opened the door. She flopped on the sofa in the living room, rested her head on the back rest and closed her eyes. “Should I make you some coffee”, asked her mother sitting down beside her and softly massaging her head. Her mother did not ask again, she knew what her daughter had been through lately. 

It had been eight months now that Ira had left her husband. Immediately after her marriage with Kunal, he had lost his job. The software company he was working for was one of the hardest hit by global recession. One morning as Kunal arrived at his office he and hundreds of others heard a rude announcement at the gates, “people, whose identity cards are not working at the entrance, should collect their termination letter from the desk at the corner”. Ira had a well paid job as a lawyer which gave Kunal some breathing space. “Let’s move to Bangalore”, said Kunal one night after they had made love “it would be easier for me to find a job in my domain”. “Even I have been looking to get away from this crowd in Mumbai”, replied Ira with a satisfied smile “I can ask my office to give me a transfer in their Bangalore office”. 

Ira bought the flat when they moved in the city taking a home loan from the bank. “Paying the EMIs will be a lot easier when I get a job”, Kunal had told. 

After two months Kunal was still jobless. In frustration he started to drink. He came late in the nights most of the times too drunk to walk. Some days Ira would return home from office to find him lying fast asleep on the floor with an empty bottle beside him. When she protested, he started to abuse her. He started to blame her for everything and became violent for petty reasons. Ira somehow believed that Kunal would change once he got a job. She kept quiet, sharing her pain only with Anu. One day her boss asked her why her right cheek looked bruised, she made a lame excuse. It was only Anu who knew what Ira was going through. Soon Ira began to run out of excuses.

One night Kunal came home late, he was drunk and started abusing and beating Ira mercilessly, so much so that her left eye was blind. She tried to escape from him. She ran into the bed room and closed the door. She took out her mobile and called Anu. All this while Kunal kept banging on the door violently, Anu could hear the noise on the phone. She arrived with the police and rescued Ira. The police kept Kunal in their custody for a couple of days and then released him after his father gave the bail. 

Kunal left Bangalore and did not return again. Ira’s mother moved in with her. Both the families tried to bring them back together and in spite of Kunal’s apologies Ira was too scared to get back with him. Slowly life became normal once again. The scars on her face disappeared and her left eye healed with time. She became busy with her job and tried to forget what had happened.

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Her mother got up and went into the kitchen. Ira opened her eyes and went to her bedroom to change. 

After dinner, she took out the book from her hand bag and started reading it in her bed. The story was about a boy who was in college and had fallen in love with a girl who he had met online. It reminded Ira of the first time she had a chat with Kartik. She couldn’t remember how long ago that was, but the story she noticed loosely resembled her own story. 

When Kartik had first messaged her on chat, Ira was reluctant to chat with a stranger. But Kartik did not give up and continued to message her till she agreed to chat with him. They had been online friends for more than two years when Ira took up her first job in Delhi and Kartik also moved to Delhi to complete his MBA. That was when both of them met. 

Ira pushed her spectacles up the bridge of her nose and turned another page.

Slowly Ira fell in love with the shy but ambitious, fickle minded Gemini who thought marriage was a huge responsibility and he would never be ready for it. She however knew one day he would propose to her or if he wouldn’t then she would. Kartik had always told Ira that he would never settle for a nine-to-five job and after working for some company for a couple of years would start his own company. Every day he would tell Ira about some new business idea which he and a couple of his friends would be working on. Ira loved his enthusiasm and ambition and always listened to him seriously. 

Ira had known Kartik’s love for books and writing. He had always told her that he would write a book someday. It was there in her hands now, his first book and it was a story about her. Ira’s eyes were getting heavy, she checked the clock beside her bed it was 1:47 now. She turned another page and continued to read. Slowly her eyes closed and the book fell on her chest. 

Ira saw Kunal in her dream, he was smiling at her and she was laughing. Then suddenly he was angry and tried to slap her but Ira dodged him. Ira ran to escape from him, he ran after her. She ran and ran until she was sweating and was out of breath. She turned around to see if Kunal was still following her, but she saw Kartik standing and giving her his usual lopsided smile. She turned around and ran towards Kartik, hoping that he would protect her, but her feet slipped and she woke up with a jolt. 

Her face was covered with sweat, the book was still on her chest and her spectacles were on her nose. She switched off the reading lamp, put the book and the glasses beside the clock and closed her eyes with a sigh. Her thoughts wandered to Kartik again. 

The table clock began to chime.

She got up and walked into the living room. Her mother was making the morning tea in the kitchen, “Good Morning Ma”, she said. Ira opened the front door and picked up the morning news paper. The front page of Bangalore Times declared that Kartik would be in the Corner Book Store to promote his new book at three in the evening. Ira wanted to meet him again. She wanted everything to be like it was when she was in Delhi. 

All day in office her thoughts drifted to Kartik. Sometimes she would make up her mind to meet him at the book store. Sometimes she would convince herself that he didn’t want her back in his life, after all it was she who had decided to break up. At one Anu came to her cubicle to ask her for lunch, she told her everything. Anu somehow convinced her that she should go. Ira checked her watch it was already three. She immediately went to her boss and asked for an off for the rest of the day. “Best of luck” cried Anu as Ira left the office. Ira smiled back at Anu, nervously.

When Ira reached the book store it was already half full of people, with Kartik’s new book in their hands. He was sitting on a dais and signing the books with a smile which never left his face. She stood patiently at the end for her turn to come. Someone in the crowd said something and he looked up to reply. His eyes met Ira’s eyes as if he knew she would be there for him. Kartik’s face immediately lit up with a bright smile and he gestured Ira to come from the other side. He asked one of the volunteers to guide the lady in maroon t-shirt to the platform. The volunteers made space for her to come near the platform. She stood below the platform and handed over the book for him to sign. 

“Hi Ira, how have you been”, asked Kartik. 

“I am good. Congratulations Kartik, please sign my copy”, said Ira. 

Kartik signed the book and said “why don’t you sit over there and I will be with you after I am done. I hope you are not in a hurry.” 

“No, I will wait”, said Ira. 

Kartik gestured to a man and said “Ravi will you please show the lady to a seat and get something for her to drink”. Ravi nodded and said, “please come with me”. 

Ira sat at one corner of the store and in front of her she could see Kartik surrounded by what looked like a bunch of college kids. A volunteer appeared by her side with a glass of orange juice, she accepted it with a thank you. She saw Ravi go up to Kartik and say something in his ear. Kartik nodded. The volunteers cleared the bunch of college kinds from around the platform. A man was setting up a camera on a tripod in front of the platform. A young girl in her twenties with a microphone in her hand waited impatiently for the crowd to disperse from around the platform. The volunteers cleared the crowd from the stage and the young girl with the microphone got up on the platform and took a chair beside Kartik. Ira got lost in her thoughts and didn’t notice what the young girl was saying.

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When Ira had told Kartik that her parents wanted her to get married, he had asked her to give him a couple of years at least to settle down and then they could get married. Ira never wanted to pressurize him and always wanted Kartik to achieve his dreams. That weekend Ira had gone to visit her sister in Mumbai and there here sister introduced her to Kunal. Her sister told her that Kunal was a very close friend of her husband and was working with a software firm with a handsome salary. She told Ira that their parents had already met each other and if Ira approved their marriage would be fixed. Ira told them that she needed some time to think. 

When Ira came back to Delhi she wanted to tell Kartik that he should immediately speak to her parents and let them know that they intended to get married in two or three years. “Me and two of my friends have decided not to sit for campus placements. We will be starting our own company as soon as we are out of the college” said Kartik when they met. Ira stopped herself from discussing the marriage issue. “I have met someone at my sister’s place”, she told Kartik after much contemplation. Even though she saw the pain clearly on Kartik’s face she didn’t change her decision.  She cried all night. In the morning she called up her sister in Mumbai and told her that she was ready to marry Kunal.

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The sound of clapping jolted Ira back to awareness. She saw the young girl was still sitting with Kartik, with microphone in her hand. “One last question”, said the girl. Kartik nodded. “Your Facebook profile says you are single, is that true”, asked the girl. Kartik smiled brightly, Ira could see the blush on his cheeks. “I see you have done your research. Well, I have recently got engaged, I am sorry I haven’t been able to update my relationship status on my Facebook profile”, he said smiling even more brightly. The crowd laughed. The girl thanked him for his time and signaled the cameraman to stop shooting. The girl got up and shook hands with Kartik. Kartik gestured to Ravi and said something in his ear. Ravi took the microphone and said “Kartik will resume signing the books after a fifteen minute break.” The crowd dispersed.

Ira got up and went over to the Music CD section and picked up a Mark Knopfler CD and checked the track list. 

“Still crazy about Mark Knopfler”, she heard Kartik’s voice. She turned around, to see him smiling at her. 

“I picked it up just like that”, she said with a smile. 

“I noticed a coffee shop on the other side of the street let’s go there”, said Kartik. 

“Yeah sure”, replied Ira, “and congratulations on your engagement.” 

“Thanks!” replied Kartik.

They reached the coffee shop and took a seat at the corner. They talked about old times and common friends, Kartik asked Ira about her family and how her husband was doing. Ira hadn’t told Kartik about what had happened between her and Kunal, and she decided that she would not do so. Every time he smiled at her she wanted to fall in love with him all over again. He kept looking into her eyes when she talked and she felt nice that after a long time someone was listening to what she had to say. 

Before they knew their fifteen minutes were over. A volunteer came up to Kartik and told him that he had to go back to the store. Kartik asked for the check and paid. Ira told him that she would like to leave. 

“Lets meet at my hotel and have dinner together, please bring your husband along too”, said Kartik. 

“But my husband is out of town”, replied Ira. 

“Then why don’t you come and have dinner with me, please Ira”, pleaded Kartik. 

Ira didn’t want to meet him again. Now that Kartik had achieved his dreams, was happy and ready to settle down, she did not want him to know about her feelings. 

“Please Ira”, he repeated with a smile. 

“Okay”, she said and promised herself that she would never contact him after the dinner that night. Kartik turned around and left. Ira stood there and saw him entering the store.

On her way back home she was happy that she would be meeting Kartik again that night. She was looking forward to something after a long time in her life. She thought of which dress she should wear. She smiled as she realized she was behaving exactly the way she used to whenever Kartik asked her for a date in Delhi. She noticed the rickshaw driver watching her in the rear view mirror, but she could not hide her happiness and continued to look out of the auto rickshaw and smile at nothing.

Her smile disappeared when she remembered that Kartik was engaged. It hurt her to think that her happiness was ephemeral. It was again like the old times when she had silently strangled her feelings so that he could realize his dreams.  This time she didn’t want to do it again. She wanted to tell him that she had committed a mistake by not accepting his love. She thought about his engagement again. She was confused; she wasn’t sure what to do now, whether she should convey her feelings to him or not go for the dinner at all. She could meet him and go on as if nothing had happened and she was happy with her life. “Why did I go to the book store in the first place”, she cursed herself. She was angry at herself for being so stupid to accept his invitation. 

The auto rickshaw stopped outside her building she got out and paid him. She was about to take the stairs when the mobile in her pocket started to vibrate. She took it out and checked the caller’s name on the screen, it was an unknown number. She pressed the receive button, hoping that Kartik had somehow managed to get her number and called her. 

“Hello”, she said into the phone. 

“Hi Ira, this is Kunal here”, said a nervous voice in the phone. 

“I don’t have anything to do with you now”, said Ira, her voice trembling as a bitter realization struck her. 

“Before you cut off the phone let me tell you that I am very sorry for whatever happened”, said Kunal. 

Ira listened to the voice, it sounded sincere as her eyes started to well up.

Just give me something to hold on to

She had hung up on me again. The moment she heard I was in her city, she hung up on me. The city of joy they said, it had only given me heartache in the past two months. The yellow cabs whizzed by, the people walking on the pavement brushed me aside without bothering to notice me, muttering an occasional expletive.

I stood there staring at the phone, the left thumb circling the call button. I pressed it, put it on my ear.

Silence.

I checked the screen. The network towers had disappeared. I switched off the phone and switched it back on. Still no network. I looked around for a pay phone. I suddenly felt helpless, cut off from the whole world.

I remembered the days when all my friends had a cell phone and I didn’t have one. I simply didn’t need one. When I left my hometown, my mother forced me into buying one. Since then I have been dragged into this quicksand of staying within constant communicable reach of mankind at all times. Unknowingly I became addicted to this quicksand.

I knew what had happened to my phone. It had happened before. She had asked me to change my service provider, I had denied.

“Is there a payphone booth around here”, I asked a man walking straight at me, as if I didn’t exist.

“There are a few around the corner” the man said in Bengali, pointing his hand straight ahead, his index finger turned right.

I walked on the pavement trying not to bump into the oncoming crowd, turned around the corner. A few feet ahead hung on the wall, like urinals, was a row of five or six yellow pay phones, the kind which has slots on the top for putting in one rupee coins and the receiver hanging on the side. The wall below the phones was splattered with red marks.

Two of the phones in the row were engaged. I took the one in the middle and put the receiver on my ear. I could hear a dull beep at the other end. On the phone beside me was a man, standing patiently with the receiver on his ear. I could hear a low ringing sound coming at specific intervals from his receiver, as he stood facing me, looking at the pavement below his feet as if it was about to disappear soon.

The man’s head was full of grey hair, oiled and neatly combed. I could see the marks of the comb’s teeth on his hair. His skin would have been fair once upon a time, had grown a bit dark now. The skin on the fingers holding the receiver was folded, another mark that time had left on him. He looked at me for a moment with his black unseeing eyes, a thin layer of yellowing cataract had begun to form over the corneas. The white shirt he wore was clean but had become ragged at the cuffs and the collar.

I took out a one rupee coin and fumbled with it between my index finger and thumb, the phone receiver still on my left ear and the dull beep sounding unsure at the other end.

“Ke Rupa… Rupa aami bolchi…” the man spoke holding the lower end of the receiver close to his mouth.

There was a silence. I raised my hand and half inserted the coin into the slot at the top of the phone. The beeping sound continued in my ear.

“Rupa don’t hang up please. I am sorry for whatever happened between us. I know I am responsible for all of it and I am sorry about it. Please give me one last chance.” I heard the man’s soft voice again.

Silence.

I heard only the busses go by and the dull noise of the phone. My fingers gripped the half inserted coin with my hand resting on the phone. I looked at the ground below my feet.

“Tumi shuncho… Rupa?” The man said again, hope giving way to desperation in his voice. “The phone is beeping, I will have to insert another Rupee. I don’t have any left. Rupa, please be quick. I want to comeback. Please say something Rupa…. Don’t hang up on me I don’t have any money to spare.”

I pulled my coin out of the slot of the phone and stretched my hand towards the man.

“Here I have a spare coin”, I said. The man took it raised it to me, and inserted it into the phone slot.

“I got a coin now, Rupa… No, I found it on the ground… No don’t hang up… I am not lying… Rupa… please… No.. no.. no.. no… no…” He banged the receiver on to the hanging phone.

“Eta ki korcho tumi”, a man standing nearby shouted at the old man.

The old man looked at the street blankly, hung the receiver on the cradle, turned around and started walking away from me.

“Suno… “, I shouted, hung the receiver on the cradle and started behind him. He didn’t pay any attention to my shout.

He walked with his head hung over his shoulders, the big canvas shoes torn at their heels flopped under his feet. He stepped off the pavement on to the street. I saw the red lights turn green.

“Listen… I have more…”

I couldn’t complete my sentence.